Chaos… I don’t particularly like it and yet it seems that most aspects of life in Haiti can provide the definition. I like order. I like predictability. I like things clean and tidy and put together. I suppose to simplify it: I like control. But nothing is ever truly in our control is it? The combination of being a mom of three little boys plus being married to a man who thoroughly enjoys exploring the unknown plus helping direct a Haitian school plus living in this nation has caused me, pushed me and shoved me into the place of surrender time and time again.
Surrender has been a beautiful and difficult journey, but I have found that giving in and not fighting for control is the best route. I can either live with this inner struggle for control which takes my peace, joy and love and makes me a very difficult person to deal with (just ask my hubby) OR I can give in, give up, let go and trust God.
Michelove, CST Student
A few months ago I was in another cycle of fighting for control (funny how these cycles of refinement just keep on coming, huh?). There were SO many little things within our school that I was frustrated with and wanted to see change. I was being critical of our staff, our methods, our director (who did I mention is my husband? Oops.) and all I wanted to do was go in there and run everything myself which of course I couldn’t do because I was “stuck” at home with my three energetic little boys. I was annoyed and frustrated and again a difficult person to deal with. After praying about it I decided to go over to the school one morning to simply observe. God nudged me to go over with zero expectations, zero criticism and to view things with His eyes. And do you know what I saw? Beauty. Love. Joy. Jesus at work.
Out of what in my view was chaos, Jesus was changing hearts and lives. Students who didn’t smile and barely spoke a word last year were laughing and playing and learning. God used one little girl, Michelove, to really open my eyes. This little girl would barely talk to anyone last year and I watched her stand up in front of the entire school and pray for the lunch meal in English! The beauty of it brought me to tears. In the end it is truly all about people, isn’t it? We can have the most perfect programs that run smoothly and everyone can be doing exactly as they should be and performing at the highest level, but if there is no inner change what does it matter? If hearts are still left empty without a touch from God, what good is all the order?
When I look at the world, our ministry, my own life I need to see and remember that God works in and through and in the midst of so much chaos. I want to learn to surrender to Him more, trust Him more and see life through His eyes more. God brings so much beauty through the chaos.
- Kirsten