Worthy Of It All

Summer has looked very different for us from year to year since moving to Haiti. We spent the beginning of the last two summers traveling stateside, which was great, but made preparing for the next school year quite hectic. We decided that this summer we would be staying home (which also influenced our decision to give birth to our sweet Felicity here in Haiti). We had been looking forward to the extra time we would have to settle in as a family of six and be way ahead of CST prep work as the school year approached. Building projects, though several, are not major ones and our current staff had been doing a great job so we were in a place to develop our staff training even more. Well… per usual things will not be working out how we first hoped and right now a trip stateside is looking pretty nice…

This summer is going to be an interesting one for us – difficult and frustrating conversations to have, tough decisions to make, changes in school staff and unknowns to discover. I’m not necessarily looking forward to it… ok I am ZERO looking forward to it. And you know why? Because (a) CONFLICT and (b) it’s going to be difficult.

Conflict is not something that Jesse or I were raised to deal with in a healthy way. Avoidance or explosion were our examples. And our personalities tend toward keeping peace and going with the flow – being non-confrontational is in our DNA. BUT as we have experienced life and been thrust into a leadership position, dealing with conflict has been and continues to be a huge area of growth. Though we both have leadership capabilities, honestly neither of us want to be the leader… we both would MUCH rather be a helper to the leader. I think partly because we know handling conflict is part of the package when you’re in a leadership position. My anxiety level shoots up immediately even at the thought of it!  But we are where God has us and it seems to me He has us here because He knows that is exactly where we need to grow. Yay. (insert eye roll)

Difficulty. I am not looking forward to the difficulty that lies within the next several months. I mean… I know we can handle it. God is with us and our number one priority is to hear His voice and do what He says. We are confident He is with us, but I would much rather run away from the hard things right now. There is so much mess to be sorted out relationally and within ministry and the only part we can control (obviously) is on our end. I want to put the brakes on, take a step back for like a year and focus in on our family. Make home renovations a priority. Put up all the walls (both emotionally and physically). Keep all the mess out. Build our own little world that is full of joy and peace and a culture we understand and agree with. Hard things? No thanks.

This past Sunday during our morning worship time, my heart and mind were just not engaged. My head was spinning with all the ins and outs and what ifs of all the situations that are going on in ministry. I was angry and sad and asking God why and telling Him that I really just wasn’t up for dealing with it all. And then the last song of the worship set came on:

“You are worthy of it all

You are worthy of it all

for from You are all things

and to You are all things

You deserve the glory”

 And as we sang that chorus over and over, my heart softened, tears began to fall and my eyes saw clearly once again why we are even here in Haiti in the first place. We are here to bring Jesus glory – through conflict, through difficulty, through joy and celebration… it’s all for Him. As we handle conflict, invest time into conversations with difficult people, love those who only want to use us and start over in some areas, as we do it all in a Kingdom way, it is all for His glory. He is worthy of it ALL! No matter how much I don’t want to deal with it… He is worthy. No matter what it costs us… He is worthy. No matter what it looks like… He is worthy.

Keeping Hope Alive

Life is filled with ups and downs… this fact doesn’t take long for most of us to acknowledge. But the older I get, the more life I experience and the more I choose to see what’s going on around me, the more my eyes are opened to the reality of this sin-torn, fallen world.

I am a sensitive person. I take in what other people are feeling or dealing with to such a degree that I have to be very careful even with the kind of media I consume. Like I get INVOLVED with the story line and have a difficult time compartmentalizing the story from reality. So I’m sure you can imagine how all-consuming real life situations can become for me – whether happy or sad. It is usually quite easy for me to rejoice with those who are rejoicing and mourn with those who are mourning. I view this quality as a gift, but also am continuing to learn how to steward it because there is the potential that my emotions could be controlled by the situations swirling around me.

Within the past year or so there has seemed to be an onslaught of difficult situations that have either touched my life directly or the life of someone very dear to me (which with how I function is almost the same thing). I say this NOT to stir up sympathy for myself because I fully recognize that we all go through difficult seasons. I say this only to give context. There has been child-loss, miscarriage, breakdown of relationships and family, confusion within ministry and difficult decisions. There has been country-wide (Haiti) chaos and increased national instability. There has been community issue on top of community issue and the ever-present evil of poverty that loves to rear its ugly head in a manifold of ways. I hate to sound so pessimistic, but these are the realities that we have seen and been walking through.

I have had several conversations with different friends (both in and out of Haiti) about how to keep hope alive with all of these terrible things staring you in the face. I do NOT want to become that old angry missionary who has lost all love for people and all hope for change. How do we look at the harsh realities of life and keep hope alive? How do we endure the same conversation with the same person for the hundredth time and hope that maybe THIS time they will understand? That maybe THIS time there will be breakthrough? That maybe THIS time change will happen?

I have so many questions and am continuing to process through this (and honestly think I will be for a long time), BUT the truth that God keeps bringing me back to is that love “bears all things, believes all things, HOPES all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7) I want to be a woman filled and overflowing with the love of our perfect Father. That means that hope will flow through me into any and all situations. Hope that God will show Himself faithful. Hope that healing and restoration will happen. Hope that things can and will get better. Hope that today is the day of salvation. Hope that a miracle will happen. Hope for revival. Hope that Love will have His way.

I don’t have many practical answers on how to keep hope alive, but one thing I am standing on is that “in His great mercy He has given us new birth into a LIVING HOPE through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.” (1 Peter 1:3 NIV)

To keep hope alive in my heart and life I must continue clinging to Jesus. I must remember that although it seemed that all was lost as Jesus hung on the cross, that He rose victorious over death, over sin and that He resurrected as our Living Hope. And as we follow in His footsteps, no matter what may come, HOPE is alive within us!

Perspective Change

Living cross-culturally can be exciting, interesting, humbling, eye-opening, fun aaaaand completely and utterly frustrating. We have some situations going on right now that are stirring up the later feelings…

I have learned over the past five years of living here, that my perspective on MANY things needed changing. It has been a humbling and freeing experience that has caused me to let go of many things I thought I knew about life, ministry, the church, family, friendship, serving, leadership - just to name a few areas – and forced me to really seek God and His word for answers. I needed to get (and still do at times) the American-culture mind-set out so that I could see what true Kingdom of God culture actually is. I am of course still in process with this. It takes quite a bit of work to deconstruct mind-sets and thought patterns that have been second nature to me for over twenty years. Now don’t get me wrong there are so many things I appreciate about American culture and I am very thankful to be an American citizen with the different rights and privileges I have. But I want the reality of my Kingdom of God citizenship to come way before any citizenship I have here on earth.

I admit that in this journey of deconstructing and reconstructing mind-sets I have always felt a little guilty looking down on different ways of doing things here in Haiti. I figured that most of my disagreements came from a biased, prejudiced, white-American, middle-class way of thinking that I knew was wrong. But now that I can see the motivations of my viewpoints a little more clearly I can honestly say that there are plenty of cultural things in Haiti that are just plain wrong. And there are probably so many people who would shout a huge “DUH!” to that statement, but for me I am ultra-aware of my heart and my motivations for certain thoughts. So yes “duh” but also pure heart motives are good.

I won’t make a list of all the things that are wrong with culture in Haiti, but I am becoming ever more aware of such a list being formed in my mind. And this list is not in comparison with American culture, because American culture (in ALL areas) has its own list of issues. My comparison of culture as a follower of Jesus should only EVER be compared to the culture of heaven. THIS is the main change that has happened in me since living in Haiti. Instead of “well, in America we…” its “well, in God’s Kingdom we…”

God’s Kingdom, the Kingdom of heaven, the world where Jesus is King…. however you want to say it… THAT must be our standard for living. How would God want me to respond in this situation? How would God want the church body to function within a community? How would Jesus treat someone if they were threatening and talking bad about Him? How would Jesus bring justice to this unjust situation? How does God want me to treat this person who is so utterly different than me? How would He celebrate with those who are celebrating and mourn with those who are mourning?

As I look at the (ridiculous) cultural situations lying before us where adults are acting like complete children and there is SO much “he said, she said” kind of talk and note writing and power playing and manipulative scheming, I honestly just want to slap everyone and tell them to stop being idiots. I can see that’s not exactly what Jesus would do, so don’t worry I’m not going to act on those feelings. But honestly there are moments where hope for change seems so very, very far within some situations and some individuals. But I am choosing to cling to the hope of heaven on earth and I choose to do my part in walking out my life in such a way that would bring God’s kingdom to earth (which definitely doesn’t include physical violence or name-calling).

My continual prayer is that I would see every situation, every person through the lens of heaven. I also pray for wisdom… we want and desperately need all the heavenly wisdom our minds can contain! Praise God we have full access to all the wisdom and all the thoughts of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16)!

Oh God help us let go of every cultural thing that is not in Your Kingdom. Help us be Kingdom culture bringers in whatever situations we have going on. It’s not easy, but it will be worth it. So, so worth it.

Political Unrest

For most of its existence, the country of Haiti has been in a fragile state. Instability and corruption seem to infuse most aspects of culture and it is difficult to know who to trust and what to think of the issues that arise within the government. Who is actually trying to do what is best for the nation and who is simply striving for power?  I don’t even pretend to know the answers to those questions…

Around three weeks ago the city of Port-au-Prince and the surrounding areas were mostly shut down for just under two weeks due to wide-spread violent protests and road blocks. The opposing parties of the current President were behind it all and were saying that these protests wouldn’t stop until the President stepped down. Our way of life up here in the mountains was basically untouched other than needing to close down school (due to rumored threats) and almost running out of propane. But we were safe and could go about daily life without fear. I know those in Port had a different story. Food and water were short for much of the ordinary Haitian population and more suffering and fear was added to their already difficult lives. Our ways of getting news was through phone calls with Haitian friends who were “in the know” and through other ministry/missionary posts on social media.

During those weeks (and even now) my heart hurts. It hurt for all of those in the middle of the violence and suffering, but it also hurt for how different ministries misused this difficult time to bring in more funding. There were several missionaries who chose to leave the country with their families when they had the opportunity. Because of road blocks there were some who needed to take a helicopter in order to get to the airport. I pass zero judgement on those who left and zero judgement on those who stayed. For those living near the chaos, either decision would be a difficult one. But I couldn’t help but get angry when I saw ministries post truth mixed with drama along with a donate button. Is this how we as followers of Christ should act? There were even foreign “mission” teams who started Go-Fund-Me pages because they were stuck somewhere (even though they were thoroughly warned by locals NOT to travel during those weeks). Unreal.

I could rant about more, but I won’t. I’m not sure how helpful it is. But here is the thing that is most helpful… the TRUTH. The truth is that things got crazy in the nation’s capital. The truth is that there was and still is a whole lot of political unrest (just like there has been the entire history of Haiti). The truth is that people were making road blocks everywhere in hopes to make money from the vehicles that tried to pass (and they used intimidation and violence to get it). The truth is that the general Haitian public was suffering and scared during those weeks but was stuck and had no plan ‘B’. The truth is that many missionaries left because they were scared or because the ministries they were apart of wanted them to leave. The truth is that even more missionaries stayed because they were safe tucked behind the walls of their mission base. The truth is that several ministries and foreign “mission” teams misused this situation to get money. The truth is that we who claim to follow Jesus should be honest in all things. The truth is that even though there aren’t any demonstrations right now, the political situation is still extremely unstable. The truth is that even though it seems impossible, the situation in Haiti CAN change. The truth is that our Heavenly Father loves the people of this nation and has a beautiful dream in His heart for them. The truth is that it is going to take the Church rising up in integrity, obedience and faith to see this dream come true. The Truth. What this nation needs, what we as people need is the Truth.

Five Year “Haitiversary”

When we first arrived in Haiti on October 23, 2013 we had been married a little over five months, we were four months pregnant with our first born, we were full of dreams and had zero clue about SO many things. The thing we were confident in was that God called us to make Haiti our new home and that we were to love Jesus and love our community in whatever way He asked us.

Five years later and things look so utterly different than what we had thought… WE look so utterly different! The amount of growth, refinement, perspective change and learning that has occurred over our time in Haiti is not necessarily something I expected when we began this adventure. I obviously understood that God would be at work in us, changing us, growing us… but the speed and intensity in which all that change has happened is quite crazy! And even though it has been very difficult at times, we are so thankful! There are things we have learned here that I don’t think we could learn anywhere else. Refinement has happened here that I don’t think we could have experienced anywhere else. There is glory and joy here that I don’t think we could share in anywhere else. God has truly given us His clear vision for our life and ministry in Gwo Cheval and we love seeing how He works!

The road we have walked these past five years have been full of celebration, great victory and God’s miraculous provision. We can’t help but be in awe! The road has also been filled with unmet expectations, loneliness and great difficulty. But like apostle James says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4)

We look at the road ahead and know that it is filled with even greater victory and even greater difficulty and we choose to celebrate, be thankful and persevere in it all. Would I sometimes rather be eating cheese in a hot tub watching Netflix all day? ABSOLUTELY. (And that’s why we take vacations.) But we sacrifice and give because Jesus is SO worth it. His kids here in Gwo Cheval are SO worth it. Seeing His kingdom come as it is in heaven is SO worth it.

Five years in…. so excited to see what the next five bring!

First Week of School

Ever experience that feeling of excited anticipation mixed with slight dread before something begins? I tend to get that feeling on specific occasions and the start of the school year is definitely one of them.

I do my very best to ignore the slight dread because I am 100% sure that the feeling comes from the enemy and I don’t want to entertain ANYTHING he wants to introduce into my life. It seems that whenever we are to enter into something that God has called us to or take the first step in obedience in what we have heard God say, the enemy scrambles and tries to do whatever he can to get us off course. And if he can’t do that then he tries to bring fear to mess with our emotions. BUT because in Christ we are overcomers... because in Christ we have the victory... because in Christ we are covered in pure love which drives out all fear... we know that the enemy loses. We know that as we move past the feelings of slight dread and embrace the excited anticipation as we enter into the “new” we will experience the most beautiful joy of our God!

And THAT is what this first week of school has been for us and our staff... pure JOY! 

Was it hectic? 

Yes.

Did everything go perfectly? 

No.

Are there areas for growth?

Plenty.

Were there issues with students and parents? 

For sure.

Did kids cry and pee on themselves?

You already know the answer.

 But our days this week have been filled with such joy in all that God is already doing and will continue to do this school year! And this is the way our lives should be lived. No matter what is going on we can have joy unspeakable. Now I hope you know I’m not talking about happy unspeakable... I’m talking about joy. That deep, unwavering hope in the goodness of our God which sometimes manifests in happy and sometimes manifests in quiet contentment knowing that we are victorious even during despair.

So Cornerstone School of Truth year THREE is under way. We have 54 students, 5 classes, 10 full-time staff and so much in store for this year. Pray with us that we would remain in the joy and peace of our God as we follow Him and bring His kingdom to earth in all that we do!

Jesus, Our Anchor in the Midst

The past couple months have been pretty crazy for our little family. I mean our boys are oblivious to it all, but Jesse and I are very keenly aware. Our vacation to the states ended by us adding two more weeks than planned because of all the political unrest in Port-au-Prince and surrounding cities (huge thank you to those who made that extra two weeks possible!). Our community in Gwo Cheval was almost completely untouched by the “dezòd” (craziness), but we couldn’t get home without flying into and driving through where there were road blocks and people with weapons and all that sort of thing.

Once we made it home we had about a week and a half to settle-in and get ready for a team coming from our home church Cornerstone Church Milwaukee. There was unpacking and cleaning and reconnecting with our community and school staff meetings and new student registration and construction planning and material ordering and all that sort of thing – and in the midst of our busy life here, my best friend and her husband were experiencing a traumatic birth and devastating loss of their third born, Seraphina Rose, and then in the midst of that our baby number four was miscarried. We were (and are) mourning for them and us in the midst of so much life and craziness swirling around…

We had two weeks of teams and visitors and construction and summer school and teacher training and normal-hard Haiti life. Then in the midst of it, a husband of one of our staff members intensified family issues (he IS the issue by the way) which has left us all speechless and not knowing what to do…

This life is a crazy one… and I know we are not the only ones experiencing it. There is so much tragedy and loss in the midst of so much fun and life. And in the midst of it all Jesus is our Anchor. When we place our trust in Him and follow Him and look to Him in the midst of triumph or in the midst of tragedy we will find our focus again. The anchor of a ship keeps it from being thrown off course during a storm, but that doesn’t mean the ship won’t waiver a bit… there may be doubts and fears and distraction, but when Jesus is our Anchor we know our center and our life with Him will continue no matter what happens in the midst of this life.

My prayer is that each one of us would find our sure footing in Jesus, no matter what we are in the midst of.

No Fear in Death

We have been living in Haiti for four and a half years now and have had plenty of unusual experiences. Let me share one that occurred only a few months ago…

Just outside of our front gate there is a very large square cement structure sitting in between our yard and the school building. In the past there has been wet laundry set out to dry on it, neighborhood kids have played games on it, teams have laid out in the sun on it, and various guests have had their quiet time with Jesus on it. But what is its actual purpose you may wonder? It is a grave. Our neighbor’s mother-in-law had been buried there for several years. Our plans for the land did not involve the grave and so the neighbor made arrangements for it to be opened and his mother-in-law’s remains to be transferred. Not your typical agreement when buying land, huh?

Well the day came for the opening of the grave and the removing of the casket. Four bosses came with sledge hammers, spices, cologne and a large bottle of rum. The sledge hammers were to open the grave, the spices and cologne were for the possible odor once the grave was open and the rum was to help with their nerves. In Haitian culture there are a whole lot of beliefs revolving around death, but the base of it all is fear. People spend hundreds and thousands of dollars to give someone a “proper” burial even if that means that the remaining family goes hungry. The reason? They don’t want the deceased to come back and haunt them. The bosses wanted something to dull their fear.

There are so many in our community who fear death and go along with the cultural traditions that are supposed to ward off death and the dead. Even within the church there is a prominent fear of death. But the Gospel frees us from that fear! Jesus conquered sin, hell and the grave and so if we are in Him, we can confidently declare that Jesus is alive! Because He is alive, we are alive and we will never die. His life gives us eternal life. Our bodies will quit one day, but our spirit will live on forever. Death, where is your sting? Grave, where is your victory?

I love the song “In Christ Alone” and there is one line that is a perfect close for these little thoughts of mine – “No guilt in life, no fear in death. This is the power of Christ in me.” There is no room for fear in the love of Jesus. His love conquers every fear. Be blessed in His love today!

- Kirsten

Spring Gardening

We are just about finished up with over a month full of visitors, projects, encounters with God and new relationships! Jesus continues to prove Himself more than faithful in honoring His promises towards us. He’s called us to work in many different ways in our community and each of them are progressing steadily as He leads us!

The well-watered garden had a great first season last Fall with potatoes and beans. We compared the garden with a normal Haitian garden and were astonished at the results. For every 8 potatoes planted in the normal Haitian garden, I planted 1 in the well-watered garden. The Haitian garden used about twice the amount of land space and the same amount of fertilizer per plant. In the well-watered garden we used compost and manure when planting (free resources besides some labor in the off season) as well as God’s blanket which is just a covering of mulch over the whole garden. The two gardens produced the same volume of potatoes and the well-watered garden potatoes were twice the size! We are hoping to continue demonstrating these techniques, sharing the testimonies and eventually find a few Haitians willing to begin implementing these methods. Once some of the locals experience the fruit of Farming God’s Way the ideas and implementation will really begin to spread!

I just finished up preparing our garden to plant 6 rows of corn and 3 rows of bean/peas. Sitwayen and Woody happily joined in on the labor to earn a few dollars! I did a quick weeding then we added some more compost to our rows to continue developing our raised bed garden. We used our teren rope and row pegs to hole-out our planting stations and furrows. We added manure to each hole as well as in the furrows then covered it with some soil. We thanked God for the opportunity to work and asked for His blessing on our garden. We now are waiting for the rain to start in order to plant our seed.

As we approach Passover and the Feast of Unleavened bread I think of how great our Father’s preparation was in order to redeem mankind to Himself! He had created the most wonderful garden ever imagined. Then the weeds of sin entered His perfectly beautiful creation. Though it was going to be difficult, He set His weed removal plan in action. In generation after generation, God Almighty showed how He was able remove the curse of sin, which was eternal death and separation from Him, and replaced the curse with blessing. He showed Noah that faith in God was enough to save his family from destruction. He showed Abraham that his faith would set him apart from the world around him. He showed Moses that his faith would deliver a nation of people from oppression and despair. He showed Joshua that his faith would bring a nation into its inheritance. He showed David that his faith meant that there was no giant too big to keep God from blessing His people. And He showed Mary that her faith would deliver the Messiah from God into our world. He would become the Firstborn among many brethren, the most fruit-bearing seed ever planted, still bearing fruit today!

Gardening is a demonstration from God in so many ways. As we were working I was able to put some of the chaos of the world into good working order ready to bear fruit. If you trust God and let Him have His way in your life He WILL bear fruit through you! There’s going to be some weeding and some digging, but when the harvest comes you’ll know it was all worth it!

Setting the Pace

I wouldn’t call myself a ‘runner’ and in all honesty I don’t think I could call what I do ‘running’, BUT three times a week (except for days of being sick or injured) for the past few months Jesse, Jenna and I have been lacing up and hitting the roads, trails and paths of our mountain community. Jesse and I started a list of things we want to do and experience together – running a half-marathon being one of them – and since at this moment I am not pregnant and we have an extra pair of hands to help watch the boys, we decided it would be the perfect time to start training and check one thing off the list. (The half we are running is part of a fund raiser we are hosting (The Big Horse Challenge) to raise money for solar power for Cornerstone School of Truth. For more info check it out on the home page of this website).

I have done a half-marathon once in my life, before Jesse and I were “us”. Since that time I have given birth to three boys within a four year timeframe (just in case you were wondering that means over 27 months being pregnant) – needless to say my body and physical capabilities are juuuuuust a bit different than they were in my early twenties. Training has been difficult and great and terrible and fun all at the same time. Every Sunday we do our “long run” and during these long runs (which now are up to 10 miles) I have been learning a lot about the importance of pace and vision. Like I said before I wouldn’t call what I do “running.” I jog… slowly. But for a long run that’s ok. The goal is to pace yourself so that you finish without your body giving up on you. And having vision of the finish line is crucial for me. If I know where I am headed and know when I can stop, I can keep going. I can finish the race and as long as I keep my pace, I can finish it well. 

As I have been on this half-marathon training journey, comparing my walk with Jesus to a foot race has been fresh on my mind.

Pace: Jesse and Jenna both run faster than I do. At times that spurs me on to push myself a little more, but other times I just accept the fact that we have different abilities and I cheer them on and keep to my own pace – the pace I know I can finish well with. As we run this race of life in community, we spur each other on in our callings, but we must remember that though we run together, we each have our own race to complete. We have to keep to the pace that God has called us to and not compete or compare with those who seem to be running faster. We each have different capabilities and need to know our lane in order to finish and not push ourselves so hard that we end up giving up and falling out of the race.

Vision: If our eyes are not fixed on Jesus during this marathon of life, we will so easily get discouraged and want to quit. It is said that without vision the people perish (Proverbs 29:18), and how easy it is for me to give into sin and selfishness if I do not constantly remind myself that I will one day see Jesus face to face. My vision must be locked on Jesus for me to walk this life out to completion for Him.

Though we get tired, discouraged or bored even in this marathon of following Jesus, we must remember to pace ourselves for the “long run” and keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, our ultimate finish line.

“… and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the author and finisher of our faith…” Hebrews 12:1-2

- Kirsten